Carl Setzer

I woke early, my brain rattling. My mind blaring away these negative scripts, negation of myself, my vision. All kinds of internal challenges to my dreams. Why am I so negative with myself, but positive with others? I notice this with others, too. This really puzzles me. I deeply value and encourage the talents of those around me. Why don't I do that to myself? Why do so many struggle with this? Then there are those who belittle everyone; the only way they can interact with others. I think these may have common roots. Perhaps it's easier to negate everything than to seek the positive within oneself. Which really is sad. Sadly funny how this miserable malaise takes hold. This drags us back, sucking so much potential out of life. Oh, these wretched internal scripts!

My life has been one long intersection with sorrow. Sadly, this is not so much because sorrow has sought me out as that I have desperately clung to it. My journey with misery is mostly my own doing; my own foolish reliance on tearing apart my past. I do not understand my need for this, my need to jump into, to review and trash each choice. This need to review everything and "explore" how things would be "better" if I had chosen "better" really serves me poorly. This has no value, it adds nothing of quality to my life, yet I do this again and again. More amazing, I've done this for years. A function of my anxiety, of my propensity towards depression perhaps? I don't know. I do know that I don't like it. I don't like the way it raises my blood-pressure, the way that it tortures my mind, nor the way that it chokes the goodness from my life.